Reality Bites
02 Sep 2008
1:25pm
You know those days when you wake up riddled with anxiety and the world smells it and just keeps piling it on? This morning I was already freaking out internally over Mr. Man. I haven’t seen him since we parted ways at JFK. He did sit next to me on the way home but never broached the topic of Vegas Shagathon ‘08. I’m not usually so passive about stuff like this but trust me, I was not going to be the “where is this going?” girl…
Magic Man
28 Aug 2008
10:05am
Yesterday was the last day of Magic show so you are probably dying to know how the chips fell. First of all let me say that although I’ve been writing this under the radar for over a year, I’m having some serious palpitations about this situation. I have changed a few key things to help mask the identity of Mr. Man, but still…
Vacation Boobs
27 Aug 2008
I swear… if one more of my coworkers come back from “vacation” with huge boobs I’m going to scream. It’s not that I am anti phony baloney or anything. I support nearly all forms of self improvement however shallow-endy they may be. It’s the big fat lie part that bugs me. Please do not tell tales that require my long term participation! I can’t just walk up and compliment you and ask to touch ‘em like I could if we were – say, working in a strip club together…
What Happens In Vegas? No Seriously, What Happens?
21 Aug 2008
4:10pm
So corporate just gave me my itinerary for Magic , the sourcing show in Vegas that Claire is sending me to. It’s the last week of August (side note: why the f would ANYONE plan ANYTHING in Vegas in August I ask you??) and I am already obsessing about it to a very unhealthy degree. Wondering why? Um… maybe it’s because I just found out that Mr. Man is going to be there. Please, take a moment to let that sink in.
I know…
Nay to the Oh to the Me (Naomi Fashion Stakeout)
14 Aug 2008
3:10pm
So I mentioned that it is hotter than hell right? It’s brutal. I’ll admit that it’s sort of difficult to dress around, but still, for the love of employment, think of others before you subject us to anything remotely transparent or gauzy.
Today Naomi was wearing a Mrs. Roper style caftan situation which sounds sort of ew, but harmless enough right? Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong.
On the upside it was about as figure hugging as those Waiting For Zion dresses (you know the ones, right…
Summertime, Summertime, Sum Sum Summertime…
06 Aug 2008
9:07 am
Summertime in the city can sometimes feel like a cruel joke. The heat in New York can be so intense that the two blocks between the subway stop and my building become a frantic sprint through hell…
Getting Back To My Roots
29 Jul 2008
2:45 pm
I feel like I’ve been talking about the guys for so long I haven’t really been saying much about my career. Which is sorta the whole point of this blog—or at least it was in the beginning. Anyway, I have been racking up the little accomplishments here and there dont’cha know. Don’t think I’ve been slacking just because my hormonal drama has been clogging up the pages. My last review resulted in another teensie raise and lots of bumperstickery corporate compliments…
Set Up
23 Jul 2008
10:10am
So last weekend Ali and I went to a lil’ bitty Italian carnival in Williamsbeard*. It was hilarious. They crammed full-size carnival rides into the middle of a tiny residential street complete with real live carni-guys on the mic, a large selection of funnel cakes, a clown shooting game… etc, etc., etc.
Although I must say that the rides were sort of third (ok eighth) rate. I’m pretty sure they got them all at some kind of amusement park closeout sale…
Actually, Bad Music Can Make Me Cry Too
17 Jul 2008
11:50am
There was a farter in my crack-of-dawn pilates mat class. And that pretty much sums up the overall mood and atmosphere of my morning. I can’t seem to shake the collateral crabbiness. I have to say, none of the senses have the power to harsh my mellow faster than smell. I mean, I can look at the ugliest things imaginable and remain interested—even amused. But float a foul odor in the air and I’ll lose my mind in seconds—I simply cannot maintain…
Heaven On Wheels
08 Jul 2008
9:40am
Ali and I went out last night and had such a dreamy time. I have seen the light and her name is the Dessert Truck! Do not even get me started about the chocolate bread puddingsituation. Sure, I know it didn’t just open yesterday, so I might be like 5 minutes late to the game, but seriously y’all, if you already knew about it whey the hell didn’t you tell me??
Basically, we had a few cocktails and then moseyed over (it’s at 8th and University btw)...
Moohoovin On Up… To The Lower-Middle-ish!
02 Jul 2008
4:15pm
Claire is sending me on a sourcing trip!!! YAY! It’s not until August, but she told me during today’s strat meeting. I’m so psyched! Yes, I know it will probably be very low glamor but whatever. I’m beyond ready. I have no idea who she’ll be sending along with me. She said she hadn’t firmed it all up yet. You can bet that MM flashed before my eyes—but I doubt it will be him. The show I’m going to is in Vegas and he focuses on international for the most part…
Help Me Dissect My Imaginary Relationship, Won’t You?
26 Jun 2008
10:00am
Mister Man has been off searching for a new manufacturer for some of the hardware on the new line—so I haven’t had to deal with him in person much since the lunch. I have however, replayed every second of it in my mind innumerable times. Did I tell you that he touched my wrist during the meal in such a way that I felt it all over my body? Now, whether he can take credit for that (i.e…
Further Evidence: Puppies Like Me!
19 Jun 2008
Ok so my cold black heart isn’t a bottomless pit of evil. There is in fact a limit to my rottenness. Don’t look so surprised. Even though I’ve been really slammed today, I’ve been slinking back and forth to the kitchen about five times because some bastard brought brownies. Which is how I noticed a morose looking Perfect Caroline staring out the window as I passed by her office. When I walked by 30 minute later and she was in the exact same position, I started to feel for her…
Afternoon Delight Without The Delight Part
11 Jun 2008
2:33pm
Just back—heart racing. Details to follow.
At about noon, Mister Man (office crush extraordinaire) stuck his head into my office and said (super casually), “hey do you want to sneak out for lunch?” And I was all, “absolutely!” (Immediately cursing myself for the over-eager response).
He: “Cool, meet in the lobby in 30?”
Me: “Sounds good” (sounding marginally less creepily psyched).
Cut to—out on the street—walking/talking…
You can call me, call me anytime. Call me!
09 Jun 2008
11:01am
So Bloke and I have been talking on the “phone” (in reality, we Skype via laptop as it’s free whether he’s in Europe, Japan or Cleveland). And to be honest we’re talking a lot more now that we are broken up than we were when we were together. Just goes to show that no matter how old you get, the rules of dating will always be completely ridiculous. Do not count on age to bring dignity into the situation cause it ‘aint gone happen child…
Fee-Fi-Fo-Felly… Kelly!
06 Jun 2008
4:55pm
I’ve been busy rediscovering the joy that is Kelly. He has stepped up to the plate and is totally showing up for me ever since the Bloke debacle crash-landed. Obviously the Petunia emails have been keeping us laughing. But, as always, there’s more. He also showed me evidence that perfect Caroline has a bit of a pill problem, which is seriously dreamy (I know I’m going to hell—save it for someone who gives a damn)...
The Spell Breaker
02 Jun 2008
11:15am
So I have this theory about the first post break up hookup. Basically, a woman can’t begin to move on and break the broken hearted spell her ex has placed on her, until she has her first serious post breakup makeout session. I’m not saying that making out with any old shmo will cure a broken heart. I’m just saying it’s the first step back to your former sassiness…
Phooey! That’s right, you heard me!
22 May 2008
9:05am
Everybody looks so amazing. When did they have time to shop for these friggin’ summer outfits? Seriously! Ugh. Can you tell I’m feeling poopy-pants today? It’s harder to camouflage low self esteem in this heat! In the winter, I’d head straight for my baggy black turtleneck sweater. What can I wear with this mood now? Chunky sandals? A vintage Robert Smith T-shirt? Crap, I’m crabby! I miss my little sister. I’m craving the Midwest and the burger bangs of summer…
Woodstock ’08
19 May 2008
3:45pm
Ali and I went upstate for a little chill out/heartbreak weekend. A friend of hers has a hundred year old farmhouse that she let us borrow. I have to admit it was pretty and relaxing. But I don’t think I was ready for pretty or relaxing. I wasn’t ready to be alone with my brain thank you very much. At this stage, peace and quiet only serve to create a better atmosphere for obsession and agony. Ok I realize I’m being dramatic…
Baby’s Got Snack
14 May 2008
1:45pm
As we all know my coping mechanisms aren’t as refined as they perhaps should be for a person of my age and station. We all know I like to have a cocktail and a flirt/snog when I’m down in the dumps. We all know that I’m prone to make out with the inappropriately stupid, or young, or stanky—particularly when my ego is up on blocks. But you may not have known (it came as a bit of a shock to me), about the snacking. You know those women who waste away when their hearts are broken…
Sniffle
08 May 2008
9:33am
Well… it sank.
Our little ship built from scraps of scruffy hair and skinny jeans, stuck together with whiskey and Orbit gum has gone down, down, down, down. Last night, at about midnight, Bloke called and pulled the plug. Actually I was the technical plug puller but it was obvious that he’d opened the door and was standing there like a gentleman, allowing me to slam it as a courtesy. He said he didn’t think that things were going so great and what did I think blah blah blah…
Bloke Visit Revisited
05 May 2008
10:12 am
Went to see Bloke this weekend and although we did have a fabulous shagathon, the rest of the trip was tepid at best. All this bickering has created an awful energy between us and I’ll just let you guess who doesn’t have the power in the relationship anymore. Yes, the fact that I have repeatedly gotten pathetic coupled with my awareness of recent pathetic-ness kept whirling around in my brain, making me less secure than ever. It was not festive…
You Can’ Make This S*#@ Up
02 May 2008
12:30pm
Below is an email that Kelly just forwarded me from my team-mate “Petunia” regarding her malfunctioning computer. This is completely unedited. Sometimes I love the world. Exhibit A.
To whom it may concern in the IT department. I guess you think you’re pretty funny. You know, some of us actually have to work for living. Not everyone can hang out in the basement and play jokes on people all day long. Please stop crashing my computer…
Ladies and Gentlemen We Have Ourselves a Lunatic!
28 Apr 2008
4:50pm
Yep—Kelly was right all along (how could I ever have doubted him?) about there being a nut in every office. She revealed herself to me this afternoon after the strat meeting. Let’s just call her Petunia. Don’t sass me! I pick the pseudonyms around here—and I say Petunia it shall be!
Well anyway, it’s no wonder that I couldn’t sniff her out. Her ingenious disguise is her complete and total ordinariness…
Keep On Crushin’
24 Apr 2008
5:05pm
My office crush is officially official. Yes—I too see the correlation between this and the shitstorm I’ve created between Bloke and me. But it’s a chicken/egg situation and I can’t remember which one came first (nor do I give a toss). But let me be clear—this is not the sort of thing one wants to see go somewhere. This is simply the sort of thing that one needs to— say—keep one’s self from putting one’s head in the oven…
Have You Ever…?
22 Apr 2008
11:45am
Have you ever had an intensely paranoid dream that your boyfriend was cheating on you, or your best friend was talking behind your back—and you either overhear her, or walked in on him/them, and the whole thing spiraled downward and eventually the filmstrip of devastation ended but the dreamstate lingered on and on, because you couldn’t will the dream into editing in a revenge scene, and you couldn’t wake up, so you just had to let the waves of pitch-black-moaning-nothingness wash over you until your alarm finally went off…
Spies Are Everywhere
16 Apr 2008
7:15pm
Does anyone else get cripplingly embarrassed when attempting to do a workout tape in their apartment? Even when I’m home alone with the door locked, the shades drawn and the volume of Sweatin To The Oldies (just kidding) turned down till it’s barely a whisper, I still get the idiot shivers thinking that somehow, someone can see or hear me (hear me? what does that even mean…
The Purse Shaped Hole In My Soul
14 Apr 2008
9:20am
Well, it’s official, I have full-blown spring fever. But this time instead of the usual desire to hump the leg of every guy I pass on the street, I can not seem to stop shopping. I think I’m just so happy to be able to wear pretty clothes. This winter was long, gray and
uninspiring. Ohmigod it’s getting bad y’all! Things are still touch and go with Bloke. Even the pettiest fight takes on new significance when the other person is thousands of miles away…
Pretentious Foods
10 Apr 2008
5:50pm
I don’t know about you guys but I have a very pedestrian palette. I am not ashamed to say that down market foods are generally my fave. I’m very dude friendly in this way, and can happily survive in a tour bus eating only fluorescent foodstuffs for up to seven days (at which point I waddle off the bus and pour a jar of multivitamins down my throat). Anyway, I can accept that many of the fancier food out there are legitimately delicious to others…
Getting Warmer, Warmer. Okay, Cold. Cold!
08 Apr 2008
11:45 am
So it’s finally warm here in New York City, but not enough to warrant the borderline nudity of my fellow female subway passengers. Dunno about you guys but I actually started dressing down once I move to the city…
All Hail Voicemail
02 Apr 2008
12:35
Claire’s new assistant has been calling an average of 8 times a day. Claire must be on her broom because I can hear (let’s just call her) Newblood fighting back the tears each time. She called to find out what the hell Claire was talking about when she asked for a “no calorie yummy”. She called because Claire told her to have 5 pairs of pants
hemmed “the length I like.” I could go on…
Dear Diary – I Am A Big Fat Cliché
31 Mar 2008
4:50pm
Okay, so for the first time ever. I officially have an office crush. Now I know what you’re thinking. No. I have not crossed over the line from happy fag hag to unknowing beard candidate. I am not completely clueless—and I certainly know my gays. Believe it or not—there is actually a straight man on my new team! I only met him yesterday because he travels extensively and just returned from India with this amazing collection of jaquard…
Good Riddance To Old Rubbish
27 Mar 2008
2:45pm
Dingdong the prick is dead! Well, thank you Jesus for small favors because Ali dumped le douche. Took her long enough, huh? Anyway, I guess that the bossy condescending bullshit wasn’t just reserved for moi. Guess he gave Ali one too many life-tips cause she finally threw the hammer down. I’m so relieved, as I am in a full-blown neurotic mode with Bloke and desperately need a sidekick for the drinking extravaganza I’m about to embark upon…
Get Outa My Brain Evil Succubus!
25 Mar 2008
11:20am
So here’s my post Bloke visit recap. Of course it was awesome to see him. Of course, we did all manner of debaucherous things to one another in a crappy hotel room, upon sheets with the lowest thread count conceivable (I’m pretty sure they were made of burlap). Of course, of course, of course—BUT… there was a little hitch in my giddy-up, truth be told. I was very unhappy to discover that Bloke’s tour manager is drop dead gorgeous…
The Office
19 Mar 2008
8:45am
Have I told you about my new office? Well first things first—I have one. I am no longer the gatekeeper lording over the moat between the world at large and Claire’s office. Yes indeedy. I now have the power to close (slam, even!) a door other than the bathroom. This is not to say that I don’t have to share it with a co-worker— oh, but of course I do, as I remain but a miserable peon…
Packing Psychosis
17 Mar 2008
8:01pm
I haven’t been in my new position long enough to take a single day off, which is why all of my upcoming Bloke visits must be quick Friday-to-Sunday in-and-outs. That adds up to two nights, one full day and some change. And I know this. So how I ended up with a 300 pound bag of luggage is as much a mystery to me as anyone. I’ve been staring at it for an hour, and I don’t see a single item I can do without…
Gimmie A Ticket For An Aeroplane
13 Mar 2008
10:45am
Bloke and I have decided that since his tourapalooza shows no sign of stopping, I’m going to start flying out to meet him on the road a few weekends a month. He just sublet his pad and can now afford to spring for my airfare. I’m so psyched, and am already planning outfits down to the skivs. I mean who wouldn’t enjoy a stint as long distance mistress? God knows I came to serve. Woohoo!
Yes, yes. I know all about the realities of tour…
Our Hallmark Moment At Last!
11 Mar 2008
3:15pm
Can’t believe it. Claire just took me out to lunch! I guess it was her formal “You’re moving up in the world, therefore I will treat you like a human/colleague for about an hour,” ritual. I must admit it was very, very awesome. She said I’d done a great job and that she respected my level of dedication. She said she knew I was going to be very successful within the company or wherever my career may take me. Trust me, it sounded way less canned in person…
Can You Creatively Pick Up My Dry Cleaning? Mmmmmmm. Thanks So Much!
05 Mar 2008
6:45pm
Well so far, I’ve met with five girls vying for the Claire assistant job. It’s hard to shake out a distinguishing feature from the bunch. All seem smart, educated, and in complete denial about the opportunities that this position will offer. If I had a dollar for every time one of them said she was a “creative person” looking for a “creative job,” I’d have enough to get a weekly Pedi at Rescue…
The Many, Mini Tours Of Bloke
03 Mar 2008
9:28am
Record companies ‘aint what they used to be. Not that I actually know what I’m talking about. I mean, everything I’ve learned about the decadent Zeppelin-rock years I learned by watching VH-1 just like everyone else. I’ve certainly never been shagged on a private jet by a guy wearing fringe for example. Though, truth be told, such is the stuff of my fantasies (minus the fringe…
Let’s Go Team!
28 Feb 2008
2:45pm
I briefly met the members of my new team this week. First impression: It seems like there aren’t any Naomi-type wackadoos in the bunch. In fact, they all appear to be impeccably put together and boringly-snoringly sane. When I reported this to Kelly, he laughed knowingly (for waaaaay too long), then maddeningly declined to explain himself. Saying only, “Trust me, there’s always a freak in the bunch.”
WTF? I’m gonna kill him…
Ali’s A**hole
26 Feb 2008
1:15pm
Well Ali is still seeing (let’s just call him) Biff. She says it’s just good fun, nothing serious. But I seriously want to push him in front of a train. Not that I’ll ever have the chance, because Biff would never be caught dead riding mass trans. Anyway, I went out with them again the other night and can honestly tell you that it will never, ever, ever happen again. He is intolerably condescending to the tenth power…
The Questions…
21 Feb 2008
9:08am
Member how I said I was going to have to sit in on the interviews for my replacement? Nope, turns out I’ll be conducting the interviews. Claire wants me to interview all the candidates and then present her with my top five. This brings up an ethical issue: with what level of honesty should I approach these ladies?
Low: How comfortable are you with multitasking? Do you have experience working with minimal direction…
Oh How The Mighty Fall
18 Feb 2008
10:02am
In the interest of brutal honestly I must make a confession:
No matter how confident I may be,
No matter how often my boyfriend may call/text/email,
No matter how foxy of a phase I may be going through (and can I just say that my hair has been behaving itself like a mofo lately?)…
Having a boyfriend on tour completely blows…
The Happening Happening
13 Feb 2008
9:18am
So last night I went to this gallery thing where 20 of us listened to a new electronic musical piece through 20 separate pairs of headphones. The “music” consisted of an adorable Asian girl playing an exotic instrument that I will simply call “nails on a chalkboard” for a period of 14 minutes, followed by 6 minutes of sampled (bovine) mooing on a loop. So that’s over. Guess I can die now…
Money Changes Everything
11 Feb 2008
5:45pm
Luckily Ali and I haven’t had any trouble staying tight even with the growing income gap between us. So when she started dating super-successful guys I didn’t imagine it would change anything. Which is why, I must admit, the current dynamic has thrown me for a bit of a loop.
Here’s the thing…
Rational Smational
07 Feb 2008
11:00am
Nothing makes me angrier than a cheerful pair of whimsically decorated Wellies worn by an adult woman. There is something very infuriating about a grownup sporting a pair of pink rubber boots covered with daisies, ducks, hearts or the like. It makes me want to kick said lady in the shins and say, “Toughen up already, there’s nothing cute about this world, chickadee.” Is that wrong…
MooHooVin On Up…
05 Feb 2008
2:55pm
I’m getting a mother effin promotion. That’s right, you heard me. And I don’t care if my celebratory dance makes you uncomfortable. Don’t rain on my bliss out. How fitting that on my hundredth entry I can finally say what I’ve been wanting to say every day for the past 12 months… I am finally getting promoted! Cue parade.
Yes indeedy. I will be moving over to join the sourcing team…
You Win Some, You Lose Some
29 Jan 2008
11:20am
Whether we admit it or not, all breakups are a kind of contest. In a winning breakup you know you’re doing better. While he starts smoking again you take up jogging, while he hooks back up with his tragic, hairy, stoner ex – you embark on a horizontal dance party with a Calvin Klein underwear model, while he debuts a beer gut and dark circles – everyone says you’re glowing and your ass looks incredible…
Acid-Wash Face
23 Jan 2008
12:10pm
Well she’s managed to top herself.
It appears that June treated herself to a chemical peel that has left her face beet-red and shiny. It’s atrocious. She looks like a boiled hot dog. I can’t even look straight at her without wincing. I have no idea how Ali manages. If I were her I’d be curled up in the fetal position under her desk all day, listening to the soothing sound of trickling water* and trying not to wet myself…
An Interpretive Dance About Abu Ghraib
21 Jan 2008
9:45am
So you know how I went out the other night with Jasmine and Kelly? Unfortunately, they left the planning part of the evening to me. When it comes to activities, I tend to gravitate toward the most bizarre crappola I can dig up in the back of Time Out. Nine times out of ten, said
wacky activity is a complete and total nightmare. But for some reason I seem unable to learn from my mistakes. Perhaps it’s because going to lame events attended by lamesters gives me plenty to mock…
Jasmine And Kelly 4 Ever
17 Jan 2008
3:50pm
Kelly is still going strong with his high metal priestess, Jasmine. I’ve been giving him shit about it because he gets totally embarrassed and it’s tre-tre adorable to see him blush. He’s obviously super smitten.
Me: So….it’s been awhile now.
Kelly: Yeah.
(Focusing intently on the circle he’s tracing onto the industrial carpet with his sneaker)
Me: What? Like three months? Hey, what is that in Metal years?
Kelly: Funny…
And Another Chapter Closes
15 Jan 2008
9:10am
Well, it finally happened. Ali left Jule. She’s camping out at my place for awhile until he vamooses with his crap. Some would say that the hard part is over. But I personally believe that the aftermath, with all the sifting through the mundane detritus of a failed relationship is somehow worse. I’m talking the separating of the cd collections, the returning of the keys, the re-embracing of activities you’ve long abandoned – like bathing or shaving your legs…
Naomi Raids Humpty Dumpty’s Closet Again
10 Jan 2008
5:20pm
You know it’s really winter when Naomi brings the crusty/shiny stretch pants that I love so very much out of retirement. And what are stretch pants really, without a darling kitty-cat appliquéd sweatshirt? Ever since Claire resumed behaving like a see-you-next-Tuesday, Naomi has regressed to her old ways – taking each and every opportunity to pluck out a jaunty little tune upon my nerve strings…
The Claire Affair (and it’s ripple effects)
07 Jan 2008
11:20am
Things seem to have settled down in Claire land. And by that I mean—she’s back to being bitter fulltime, has returned to torturing me with humiliating tasks and is no longer exhibiting the zipp-edy-do-dah body language of a few months ago. Maybe her (never confirmed) affair with Mr. Copeland is no more. Not that I’m the moral arbiter of the universe or anything but I have to say I’m relieved. It was giving me an ulcer I tell you. But I digress…
It’s Not You, It’s Me…. Me and My Apartment
03 Jan 2008
11:20am
Yawn…. Drool…
I’ve been out late with Ali for the past few nights . She is officially over Jule which brings up a particularly Manhattan dilemma—how to break up with ones boyfriend AND call the movers within hours, without seeming like a heartless bitch. God knows it’s a double kick in the walnuts to lose a good woman and a good apartment within a single day. She is just sick with pre-guilt. I don’t blame her. I abhor the countdown-to-the-dump…
HOLY CRAP!!! 2008!
31 Dec 2007
11:15pm
I just stayed on the phone with Bloke till the New Year rang in in NYC. We cracked each other up with our grossest possible phone kisses (think licking the receiver). Now I’m going with my sister to some house party that friends from high school are throwing, so we can ring it in out here. Could be fun. Could be tragic. Who knows?
I do know that I need to get out of the house ASAP…
Pearls Before Swine, I Tell You!
27 Dec 2007
1:45pm
Whenever I visit my family in the good ole’ Mid West, the townspeople delight in making fun of what they consider to be my ridiculous outfits. Even when I think I’m dressing down, they can’t deal. As is the custom in small towns nationwide, they express their feelings by yelling them at me as I pass. What makes it all the weirder is that they don’t even have the discretion to do so from a moving car…
Mama, I’m Comin’ Home
21 Dec 2007
8:30am
I’m doing a half day today to get things tightened up before I go see my family for vacation. My plane leaves at 4. I am so tired and burned out that I’ve decided to stay for the entire winter holiday. I don’t even care that I’ll miss out on New York New Years Eve (Bloke has a show anyway). I just want to sleep, eat like a pig and go thrifting/burgerbang spotting with my little sister. I could honestly give a crap about fabulous parties…
Relationship - Idiotic Behavior = Friendship
18 Dec 2007
4:09pm
Ah… the dignified inter-workings of a budding relationship. How could I have possibly forgotten the sheer bliss? How could I have forgotten the insecure fumbling, the frequent free-falls into bottomless shame spirals, the subtle power struggles, the ever-changing emotional temperature of the relationship that demands constant analysis? I’ll tell you how. The mind, by design, refuses to remember these details in order to propagate the human race…
Hola Hades!
13 Dec 2007
6:55pm
Claire is clearly punishing me for some unknown sin that I mindlessly committed in the recent past. And baby, it musta been ba-a-a-ad! She is making my life downright miserable lately! I only wish my atonement were four hundred Hail Marys or the like.
Alas, nope.
Instead, I had to fold my ego up into tiny pieces, stuff her into the bottom drawer of my filing cabinet and tell her to kindly keep her thoughts to herself while I stepped out to do a few errands…
Born Again Virgin No More
10 Dec 2007
8:45am
Ok we did it. The lady reverted to tramp – a neighborhood with which I am much more familiar. I’ll spare you the details, and will say only that the experience surpassed my expectations. I will also reveal that Bloke got up, went to the bodega and returned with (his idea of) breakfast fixings which he proceeded to prepare and serve, to devastating effect (on both my stomach and my poor, poor kitchen)...
Humilation, My Dear Old Friend
05 Dec 2007
3:28pm
Today was one of those three-steps-back days at the ole office. No, I didn’t screw up or anything truly heinous. It’s just that I’d started to believe that those days of Claire sending me out on demeaning errand after demeaning errand were behind me. Alas, not so. This morning, Claire sent me to Duane Reade, in order to peruse their selection of panty liners…
In Bloke News
03 Dec 2007
9:20am
Things are going so well with Bloke that it’s definitely getting hard for me to keep my zipper zipped. True, I’m still enjoying the sexual tension—though I will admit it is becoming borderline twisted. He took me on a romantic carriage ride through Central Park the other night and it was so dreamy. Yep! And then he helped me diversify my portfolio. Just kidding. Relax. We’ve been going to lots of little rock shows (in a carriage…
Ode To The Con Ed Grizzly Man Of Midtown
30 Nov 2007
4:45pm
Ali and I went out to lunch today, which is never an easy thing to pull off. But the stars were aligned because both Claire and Joy were away. Ali’s hit a rough patch. I guess she’s starting to realize that she’s outgrowing Jule but she’s just not quite ready to leave him. The tacky French maid costume definitely worked its magic and he’s off go-go bars for now. But Ali says that deep down she knows it’s too late…
Naomi Wardrobe Stakeout #3
28 Nov 2007
9:05am
Welcome to my third official installment of Naomi Wardrobe Stakeout. I know it’s been awhile, and for that I apologize.
Let’s take it from the TOP:
You may remember that a few months back I took advantage of Naomi’s fragile mental condition and talked her into letting me give her eyebrows a makeover. It was unbelievably satisfying, and she looked like a normal person for exactly eight hours…
This One Goes To Eleven
26 Nov 2007
2:50pm
So, today Kelly and I were laughing our asses off in front of my desk. I was doing this ridiculous head banging thing that makes him pee his pants. I’m not proud, and God knows I’m always willing to sacrifice my dignity for a laugh however meager. But anyway, Kelly and I both have the movie “This Is Spinal Tap,” memorized from beginning to end (judge away) and I was doing my best Nigel in the Stonehenge scene…
True Tales of the Naked and the Spazzy
20 Nov 2007
6:15pm
Thanks to an avalanche of horrid marketing campaigns targeting erectile dysfunction, I am now familiar with the word priapism. Learning this word has not enhanced my vocabulary in the slightest, as I’ve yet to work priapism into casual conversation. Instead, it simply rattles around my brain, creating hideous word pictures that haunt my sex-dreams. Luckily I’ve never found myself in bed or otherwise engaged with anyone suffering from a bout of priapism…
And Could You Fold These Into The Shape Of A Pterodactyl Bird? Thaaaaanks.
16 Nov 2007
10:20 am
So here’s the deal. I send my laundry out to be done. Trust me, in NYC this isn’t thought of as even remotely bourgeois. Like all New Yorkers, I’ve come to think of my time as being extremely valuable. So after crunching the numbers I concluded that outsourcing my dirty clothes would be a bargain at thrice the price…
I Guess Naked Pro Wrestlers Would Have Been Worse
14 Nov 2007
3:35 pm
Two packages were delivered for Claire this morning, one from Agent Provocateur and one from Kiki De Montparnasse. Have I already told you that she’s been working out like a maniac? She meets her trainer in Central Park every night after work. Is it me, or does it seem like she’s blatantly advertising her affair? And furthermore, am I a co-conspirator simply because I’m picking up what she’s laying down? It’s possible that she honestly wants to get busted…
And I Enjoy Vacationing in Flaaraadaaah
12 Nov 2007
10:01 a.m.
Oh June, June June… June of the Feng Shui, June of the facial remodeling, June of the epic divorce…. Man, I love me some June!
June is an endless source of amusement. The ways in which she tortures Ali are many. One of the things that always manages to get under Ali’s skin is June’s inability to actually laugh (the fact that she’s up to her tatas in Botox probably doesn’t help)...
Oooooh So Dirty!
08 Nov 2007
1:15 p.m.
Ever notice how the universe tends to cruelly balance out a good thing with a bad thing? Sometimes in big ways—like how the lives of lottery winners always end in trailer-tragedy. And sometimes in little ways—like how everyone lost 10 pounds overnight on Atkins, only to gain atrociously bad breath (think corpse with a side of turd).
No you say? Well, damn it, I noticed.
Remember how Ali got a huge raise recently…
Um…He Also Has Hair…
06 Nov 2007
4:30 p.m.
So I’ve avoided describing Bloke with any depth or detail, mostly because I am unduly paranoid that he or someone he knows will stumble across the blog and discover a
resemblance (I’m probably flattering myself with this scenario, as my readers do not exactly number in the millions). Regardless, the mere idea gives me a case of the idiot-shivers…
You Have Tiny Texticles
02 Nov 2007
6:15pm
My last entry made me think about how much texting has completely transformed the world of dating. It’s hardly worth mentioning that I think the change has been for the bad. I am all too clear that bitching about it just makes me sound old, whiny and out of touch. It’s a learn-to-love/live-with-it situation, I’m afraid…
Men Are Like Wee Cupcakes
30 Oct 2007
4:45pm
Marina and I took it to the next level and went out for drinks the other night, so I guess we’re now officially friend-friends rather than just work-friends. We went for a cocktail at the Mercer. Sister really likes her men to have both a pot to piss in and a (non-tour bus) window to throw it out of. So it’s safe to say we will never step on each other’s toes man-wise…
Two Words: Halloween Sweater
24 Oct 2007
10:00am
Yes, I realize that the title of this blog entry says (perhaps unwisely) everything that needs to be said about Naomi’s ensemble today. I realize it’s putting the punch before the joke, but whatever. When it comes to horror, is there any point in being coy? I mean, even if Naomi was dripping in Chanel from the waist down (ha ha ha) it couldn’t begin to neutralize the psychic damage her sweater is doing to others…
And They Sure As Hell Don’t Dig Your CD Collection
22 Oct 2007
1:45pm
So I’m back on my famous soup diet, having dug myself a very deep, boot-shaped grave. In case you don’t know, whenever I spend myself into a corner, I do a bit of reparation in the form of eating a cheapo can of soup every day for lunch courtesy of my good buddies over at Campbell’s. On the good side it saves me at least a $100 a week from ordering in and I quickly shed a pound or two…
And You Thought I Couldn’t Keep My Knickers On
18 Oct 2007
11:55am
In case you’re wondering, Bloke and I got along like a whorehouse on fire. The date was gooooood. Good to the point of goofy little-girl smiles creeping across my face at inopportune times for days afterwards. We made out like a couple of ecstasy addicts
again, this time on my stoop. I think both of us knew that if we took it inside we’d tear each other’s clothes off – and maybe that wasn’t such a good idea…
The Bends
16 Oct 2007
5:00pm
Today I am completely and utterly boy crazy. I guess it’s because I finally have a date with a boy that I have scorching chemistry with. Can I get a hallelujah? I try to work but every two seconds I stumble down another rabbit hole filled with elaborate fantasies about (let’s just call him) Bloke. The fantasies vary, though strangely, all have a Radiohead soundtrack…
Hope To Die
12 Oct 2007
3:20pm
I guess love is in the air. Cause Kelly found himself a lovely lady-friend named Jasmine who has her own death metal band! The combination of joy and surprise that flashed across his face when he told me about it reminded me of how I felt the time I found a Chanel bag at the Goodwill (back home in the good ole’ MW). He’s super psyched, and it is tre-tre adorable. I can only imagine the two of them playing World of Warcraft together late into the night…
IHOP=Sexy
09 Oct 2007
10:00am
So remember the dashing English bloke who ran his sticky fingers through my hair during our cotton candy make out coma? He called. We’re going out this weekend. He was very sweet and charming on the phone. He said he’d had a brilliant time with me and really wanted to do it again. But I can’t help wondering how on earth we will ever be able to duplicate that fabulous combination of alcohol and refined sugar that so enhanced our high school style smoochathon…
Daddy Dearest
04 Oct 2007
2:45pm
Claire had this huge meeting with the board of directors to talk about what’s going on with stock prices blah blah blah.. anyway, Mr. Copeland had to be there too. So it turned out that Marina and I were both free to actually… dun…dun…dun leave the building for lunch! Anyway, we went to Serafina for the yummy tomato soup. I guess it was all the graying temples and pleated pants that inspired us, but talk quickly turned to the pluses and minuses of having a sugar daddy…
Looky Looky
01 Oct 2007
6:30 pm
I got another cool assignment from Claire today. I’m getting to help put the new look book together! It’s great ‘cause I’m learning a lot about styling. Instead of the normal black velvet backdrop, we’ve cranked up the production value to include a set, a model – the whole shebang. It’s a true fashion shoot, woohoo! The model (let’s call her Sveltlanka) is a complete sweetheart…
The John Hughes Prescription
28 Sep 2007
11:00 am
I don’t know what exactly set it off. Maybe it was when Ali brought up her new Chanel shoe-boots for me to admire. Or maybe it was 20 minutes later when she called to tell me she’d gotten another raise. Or maybe it was at the end of the day when she announced that she’d booked a quickie trip to Bermuda for Jule and herself to celebrate. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment…
Or Maybe You Need to Replenish Your Supply of Black Market Adderall…
25 Sep 2007
2:15 pm
Most of the office was in staff meetings all day, which is how perfect Caroline and I ended up having lunch together. I continue to find her fascinating in the same way that I find serial killers or magicians fascinating. Which is to say – I wonder what makes her tick but wouldn’t want her in my apartment. I don’t know how it began, but she spent the entire hour schooling me on the benefits of having pledged a sorority in college…
If It Looks like A Snake…
20 Sep 2007
5:30 pm
I hadn’t seen Marina since the key incident, but today I ran into her in the elevator when I was coming back with a Tasty D swirl for Claire. Like I said before she’s always been icy, so I was surprised when she greeted me as if we’d been friends for years. Anyway, she asked me to meet her in the fifth floor kitchen in 15, and God knows I’m nothing if not obedient. So anyway,
we immediately began comparing notes…
She Flies through The Air With the Greatest Of Ease
18 Sep 2007
12:10 pm
So last night, Ali and I went to see her friend Camille’s trapeze recital in Williamsburg. I know you’ve heard me bitching like crazy lately about how all the boys are dressing in the burg, but what can I say? Loneliness prevailed. I guess I figured (correctly as it turned out) that wherever there’s a poster advertising cute, tattooed girls on the trapeze, cute boys are sure to follow. It was ridiculous…
Anything That Pulls Down On The Ass Is Flattering, Right?
14 Sep 2007
3:15 pm
I’m happy to say that Claire has been giving me bigger projects lately. This week, as she was creating her fall forecast, she asked if I’d like to produce my own. I figure she’s testing the waters to see if our thinking has become more aligned. Anyway, it was unbelievably fun to make. I dug through all of my vintage magazines and tons of the fashion books in the company library for inspiration…
Not Just A Friggin River In Egypt
06 Sep 2007
5:45 pm
So yeah Jasper’s gone. On her last day, the entire office (predictably) made too big a deal out of her departure. Let’s be honest, she brought nothing positive to the table and will not be missed. If anything my productivity will shoot through the roof now that she’s gone and I may earn an outstanding review just based on the how much more efficient I am without that bitchy little albatross around my neck. Everyone gathered in the conference room…
That’s Right, It’s Better Than Mine
03 Sep 2007
9:30 am
Ali and I went to a house party last night in Brooklyn. If you don’t live in New York, you probably don’t spend the first half hour of every party snooping around the person’s apartment and speculating about how much they pay. If you live somewhere else, you probably can’t relate – I guess some women are like this with diamond rings, and some dudes are like this with cars. But I doubt those competitions ever leave the confines of their particular cul-de-sac…
My Brain: The New And Improved Self-Cleaning Model
29 Aug 2007
9:05am
What can I tell you about the alleged (not that I ever straight up alleged) Claire affair? I mean, it’s only been a few days, but already I am starting to doubt what I saw. There’s sort of an unreal quality to my memory of the hotel key situation. Maybe it’s because I just looked into the envelope for a split second…
Flipping the Bird Is Just Ten-Speak for “Thank You”
27 Aug 2007
11:25 pm
Okay so maybe I’m going to hell for this, but seriously, if you had to walk a mile in my moccasins, girlfriend, you’d be right there with me. Anyway, I came up with (what I considered to be) a simple but effective plan this morning and promptly hauled ass to Naomi’s office to implement my evil doings. I was like, “Listen Naomi, Claire told me confidentially that she really wishes you’d spend more time with Jasper…
Skyrockets In Flight
23 Aug 2007
3:02 p.m.
On the upside, I’m actually getting a ton of exercise today. On the downside, I’ve been sucked into a middle-age note passing extravaganza between Claire and Mr. Copeland. Claire’s been having me hand-deliver those confidential, inter-office envelopes to Mr. Copeland’s office all day long. At least I’m not alone in this. Mr…
You Had Me At “Replacement Toner.”
21 Aug 2007
2:55pm
Wow, it’s been forever since I’ve had a proper workday! Jasper is out sick again (cue eye roll), and I have to say it feels kind of awesome to get stuff done. I’m in one of those moods where I could happily make copies and sniff markers all day long. I don’t know if you know this, but I absolutely adore office supplies. It’s borderline OCD. I could stay inside for an entire weekend enjoying the brilliance of the P-touch label maker…
An Open Letter to the Multitasking Women of NYC
17 Aug 2007
1:20pm
Dear Multitaski,
While I do admire the many balls you have in the air at any given time, and will admit that getting ahead in the modern world means cramming as much as possible into any given moment, there is a limit to your constant need to combine activities. Please stop taking every suggestion you read in Cosmo…
Horror On The Hamptons Jitney
15 Aug 2007
9 a.m.
Ali and I scored an invite to the Hamptons this past weekend from her friend Whitney who is some kind of an heiress (something to do with frozen foods). It came at the very last minute, so I grabbed a bikini and a toothbrush and hauled ass to meet Ali at the 69th St. stop for the Jitney. The Hamptons Jitney is basically a cutesified bus that does everything in its power convince passengers that it isn’t…
Blood Sweat and Tears
13 Aug 2007
10:30 am
The last few weeks in New York have been a putrid, scorching armpit. Riding the train has been a sensorial overload, and I don’t mean that in a good way. I’d never dreamed my nostrils would have to work so hard before 9 a.m. Oh the ripeness of my fellow man! I have a whole new resentment against the onion bagel eaters of the world. Thank you so much for excreting that out your pores two inches from my face…
A Smile Is Just A Frown Turned Upside Down - I Hope You Know!
09 Aug 2007
I have found a silver lining to the big designer turd that is Jasper. As much as she might torture me with her terrible attitude and insulting facial expressions – for Claire it is a virtual hell on earth…
Her Ankles Are Ready for Madonna Daze At the Senior Center
07 Aug 2007
This is my second official installment of: Naomi Fashion Stake Out
As always, I shall start at the top and work down…
Let’s Learn a Lesson
03 Aug 2007
Today was Jasper’s first day interning. And yes, for those of you paying attention, today is a Friday – not exactly a popular start date. A series of inventive “ailments” kept her otherwise engaged for the first four days of the week. You can bet your ass I’ll be chanting it up in Zen Spin that her attendance remains this infrequent all summer. Thank God it was only a half day (for her at least), I needed a training wheels run…